She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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