I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize