I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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