he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
