I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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