watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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