I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
