New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
