I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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