I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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