DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
