I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
