You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
