We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
