my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
She's not a foreskin expert like you
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
When are your genitals available?
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