If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
