I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
