he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
