Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
You can't special order awesome
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
