I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
