And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
