12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
