How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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