We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
