my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize