I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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