They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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