Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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