I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
