I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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