just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
