WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize