Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
