Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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