Betty ford says i'm here all night
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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