Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
