the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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