i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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