Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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