i need an iv and a liver transplant
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just had sex on a roof
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
