Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
