eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
