I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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