Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize