dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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