I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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