he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
