I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize