R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
