dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
