My first STD was from a foam party
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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