So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
