if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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