I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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