girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
pop tarts are not kleenex
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
