I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
