I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
