My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
