hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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