Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
