Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You ruined the universe
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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