I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
