What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm like, not good at living.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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