You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
